I went to my 1st class at the school i'm non-matriculating to, and got a shocker. The class, which I busted my ass to get into, which I had my mother spend money on because I wasn't eligible for a loan/financial aid/the lottery, is going over muscle tissue!

FUCKING MUSCLE TISSUE!

Big deal, right? I've only covered this last semester-and perhaps, the semester before, when I really never showed up for class. But it is a big deal, because as I'm reading the syllabus 5 of the lessons I'd previously learned. Now, I need to take this class. I need this class to be on the same wavelength as what my other professor would have been teaching me if my loan came through in time for me to register. If he doesn't approve of this syllabus...

I
Am
Fucked.

Fucked out of $1200, fucked out of graduating sooner, fucked out of any peace & quiet from my poor parents, fucked out of a self-esteem booster and fucked out of being any closer to my own independence. Seriously, this class has all of that riding on it. So tomorrow at 8am, I'll be driving & praying that this syllabus gets approved. The syllabus from the remedial a&p II class has more fun additions to it, like, not telling us what date or what lectures are covered in any of our tests! Not having the professor's name on it! ( After hunting down a woman to find out where the class was since he randomly changed it, She called him the tall man and then called someone else who somehow knew that tall man meant said professor). Oh, and this is cute, there's like 10 people in the class and everytime his back is turned, someone leaves. I kid you not, he even made two jokes about it. I've never seen anything like this, SHU isn't made up of students with halos, but I really feel like I'm in a class where no one cares.

I went to work today, it was M's birthday so I covered for her, she's so sweet how couldn't you? Then I ran into my bitch boss! Something I was hoping to not have to deal with till Friday but it was great because S (who is the most loveably condescending person you could know) mentioned her saddlebags. Now my boss is obsessed with her weight. Obsessed. The office is littered with diet teas, water, apples, diet snacks, I'm sure if she could drag a scale in there and weigh herself every hour on the hour she'd be in heaven. After S's little quip, and us laughing like snotty bitches back into the facility, S gets a call from my boss. She's crying. In her car. Because of her saddlebags. See what I have to deal...

Moving on.
I'm watching the mummy again. J's right, I do have a problem. And J, this is after you called me, they're playing it on another channel.

James hasn't called, neither have I. I don't even know what to say about it anymore, fuck it.

Between Friday and today, I've managed to:

• get into a fight with my boss, I can't even discuss it again, she's a miserable bitch who deserves to be ravaged by hot pokers. Or at least be told what she is, which is a miserable bitch, and the evil side of me wants to add, "Who can't hear!" but I won't. I'm still thinking it though.
• get into a fight with James. A major fight. A huge-no-going-back-What-did-I-just-say-?-What-did-YOU-just-say-?- fight. The hyphens don't even really grasp the magnitude of hateful, ugly shit said (and probably felt). So, it's done for real this time. This part really upsets me, I don't see how you can be with someone for such a long time and they still not get parts of you. Then again it is mutual on both sides because I never thought he'd ever act the way he has been. I feel really disgusted and disappointed in him because back in the day he really seemed like the type of person who would get me. Shit, was I wrong. I mean..wrong. Now I have to go to this wedding and deal with love, relationships, trust, blah blah blah thrown in my face for hours. Someone save me.
  
• get the nastiest cold? the nastiest allergy? I'm not coughing, I'm sneezing...a lot. My eyes are watery, nose is running, head clogged. So to be safe I'm taking cold and allergy medication. Better safe than sorry, no?
• remain in bed for hours on end with no bed sores. Yay. I know why, it's not this cold/allergy/sinus infection either. It's him. Why did I think relationships were a good thing anyway?

At least I have a job interview on Wednesday, so..hoping to get a new job before having to resort to jiggling my butt cheeks in downtown Paterson with a sign saying "Holler for a Dollar: College Fund".

I just want to use this journal for communities.

It's finally over. He cried, I cried but I also feel relieved. No more fighting, no more feeling shitty-well. After I get over this, no more feeling shitty. Fingers crossed.

My boyfriend twists his pubic hair when he thinks. WHAT IN THE FUCK.

Ever since we've moved into this house, I've had dreams of my next door neighbor killing his mother. What is it about? Too much Criminal Intent? Matlock? Murder She Wrote? It's getting insane. Last night he was building something at 12 am, I'm not going to turn Rear Window but seriously, the dreams are getting odd. I mean, it's been two years already.

I'm not really sure what I'm holding on to anymore. He's so aloof and now he blames me for him not being able to write anymore. Me and our relationship. I remember once him telling me that he hated that word relationship, once after I said it. We were arguing, of course, and when he said it I could almost not believe it Except that was perfectly him. I can be the love he's always wanted and the tears will start then he will turn into this callous person. He lies to me, about the stupidest things. I just can't figure out what went wrong, so I stay hoping to fix it. He's treated me horribly and I'm not sure what next. It's such a joke, I'm such a joke. What the fuck am I holding on to? I should have just said OK when he told me all the bullshit. I should have just said OK. Why did I have to yell and cry just so he can know how much he hurt me. I hate him and he depresses me and I still rather do that then start all over with someone new.

Everyone keeps laughing at me, doubting me, but when I complete these shelves in my closet they will all be kissing my feet and taking me to various resturants in NYC. And paying. The punks. All I need is HGTV & DIY, that's all, homie.

I think Donnie Darko is a horrible movie. If someone gave me the chance to I'd watch The Last Unicorn all friggen day instead of organizing my closet like I promised myself I would.

I need $5000. Really, really badly.

I'm so glad I'm not seeing Dreamgirls, I didn't even like the original.